Seems that mostly my whole life has been darkness. I was a happy enough kid, but then I started having sex and things just got all messed up. There were all the tragic breakups, ripping my heart apart from loving someone then being separated from him. Then at 17, I got pregnant. I didn’t want to mess up my college plans, so I had an abortion. Boy, I wish I’d known then what I know now. I wish I’d known how messed up my life would be over killing my baby.
The depression and desperation started sometime soon after that. I basically slept with most anyone who’d have me. I’d be in a relationship with someone and then be wondering why it wasn’t making me happy. So then I’d go on to the next relationship in hopes that person would love me enough to make me happy. Somehow, I never found a man who could do that for me.
I married. That still wasn’t enough. So I talked my husband into an open marriage, and I continued my search. Looking back on this time is so horrible. I broke up at least one marriage with my sleeping around, and didn’t even care at the time. I kept on until one of the men I was sleeping with molested my daughter. It took that to wake me up.
After a long hideous trial, the guy was sent to jail, and I left my husband and moved to Texas. I stayed away from men for a long time (or a long time for me). After we moved to New Hampshire, I started dating a little, but then something good happened to me.
My mother had been praying for a husband for me, and I think her prayers were answered. I was drawn to Russell online, so we started talking and decided to marry. He flew to NH and we married that day. Russell is a Christian, and I was an atheist, so it was a strange match at first. Maybe it’s not so strange now.
Every once in a while Russell would mention abortion and I would cringe inside. He didn’t know that I’d aborted a child. I didn’t tell him. Gradually, I came to see that I was wrong about that ‘blob of tissue’ I’d rid myself of, that it had been a child I’d murdered. Even an atheist can see that murder is wrong. I didn’t have any way out of the guilt, though, there was no way to undo the wrong I’d done.
Russell explained to me something I’d not known before. Sex bonds a man and woman together for life. There’s even a chemical basis for this, I’ve recently found out. I was really messing with things by sleeping around so much.
Things were much better with Russell. I wasn’t desperate to sleep around, but was still tempted occasionally. He couldn’t have been more loving, but I still wasn’t exactly happy.
Then one time Russell was hauled away to jail, taken right out of his work. I was so sad over that - there didn’t seem to be any hope that he’d ever really be able to work. I missed him terribly. I was listening to a lot of Alex Jones at the time, and the state of the world seemed also so hopeless. It seemed like all the bad people in the world were taking control and wanting to enslave or kill all the rest of us. I came to a point where I said our only hope was for God to save us. I asked Him for forgiveness for all the terrible things I’d done in my life.
I didn’t see much change at the time, but not long after that our roommate asked me what had change, since I seemed happier.
Time went on, and I started trying to learn about God and the Bible. It took a long time before I admitted to anyone, even Russell, what had happened -- maybe 6 months later. After I told Russell, things began to really change with me. I started reading the Bible like a madwoman. Things that once seemed OK to me before were now uncomfortable. I learned that God gave us laws for how we should live in order to keep us safe, like a good parent sets down rules for their child. When we break those rules, that is sin. God can’t be in the presence of sin, so the penalty for sin is death and we’re sent to hell to be kept separate from God. But God loves his creation and wants us with him, so he gives us lots of chances to repent and be with Him. Blood sacrifice can cover sin, but only a perfect sacrifice can remove it. So God sent his son to earth to be that perfect sacrifice and let him die in pain and shame on the cross to pay the price for our sins - for my sin, so that we wouldn’t have to pay the price of eternal damnation. I learned that any of my sins, even telling a lie, would have been enough to damn me. Lucky for me God woke me up and let me see the truth. The Bible says that to unbelievers, this whole story seems to be just foolishness. I certainly saw it that way before. God has to reach out to unbelievers for them to understand. I’m very thankful he did in my case.
So a while back, soon after I told Russell I’d become a Christian, I prayed and asked God what I should do in his service. The next night I had a dream. I was like that gal, Casey Anthony on trial for killing her little girl. I was on the witness stand saying that I wasn’t guilty of killing my little girl, but I was guilty of killing my unborn child. And I knew in the dream I was supposed to use this huge public platform, being on TV, to suggest to women that it’s not good to kill our children, unborn or otherwise.
When I woke I was in quite a tizzy over it. Telling people what I’d done was the last thing in the world I wanted to do. I fasted for several days and finally got up the nerve to tell Russell what I’d done. I was so afraid he’d leave me. I need not have been afraid. He just held me as I cried and told him.
I’ve since started working at a crisis pregnancy center. Ladies come in for free pregnancy tests, and I try and give then a little information about abortion, sex, marriage, God. I’ve learned that most women who have abortions experience depression and many have self-destructive behaviors they engage in over it. It certainly was so in my case.
(Also from Alex Jones I’ve learned that the world system being set up loves abortion, genocide, eugenics. Obama’s Science Czar Eric Holdren wrote a book promoting eugenics - forced sterilization, forced abortions. http://www.prisonplanet.com/obama-science-advisor-called-for-planetary-r...)
The other day I was searching for something on the forum, and came across one of my old posts. I was shocked. I don’t talk that way any more. I don’t think that way any more.
I have a peace now that I haven’t had since childhood, or maybe never before. I was so driven and unhappy before. I was a slave to sin. All the sex was an obsession I couldn’t let go of. Once I got it in my head I wanted to sleep with someone, well, I kept at it until I succeeded. It was miserable being so desperate for love. I guess the peace I have now is from the love of God and the forgiveness of my past evil. My whole world has turned around so much, it’s hard to even explain. It’s easier to forgive what others do to me, since I’ve been forgiven of so much. It’s easier to be compassionate when such compassion has been shown to me. I’ve been freed from the domination of sin. I’ve truly come out of the darkness and into the light.